I've been thinking about writing this for awhile now, well, since I re-entered the online scene. I wanted to share what happened and why I left the scene for a couple of years, in hopes that it may help others, or provide some advice to those who have found themselves in a similar situation.
I entered the online sex scene in 2003, but like many, I didn't get serious with it until a few years later, being the private and cautious person that I am, I never really reached out, or tried to create friendships with anyone in the online scene, I instead focused on learning how to code, design graphics, eventually learning enough to build my own site, started to understand the ins and outs of SEO, how to use keywords, how to make a tag line, get good placement in Google, etc. However, I soon recognized that being connected/having connections in the scene seemed to be the next step in the right direction. So on I went, approaching Dommes who had sites, asking if they'd be interested in doing banner exchanges with me, and it worked!! I was excited to have such a good reception from other women, as it was a very new experience for me and I was kind of proud for putting myself "out there." And so, the years went by as I created clips, played with the boys, not really making friendships, as much as just doing random banner exchanges with fellow FemDommes, all was fine. Until one day, I was approached by a Domme whom I hadn't spoken more than several words with, she sent me a screenshot of another Domme that I'd also hadn't spoken more than a few sentences with, other than things about banner exchange, or scene related matters, but turns out she had been going around accusing me of "copying" her, which totally took me by surprise because it was emphatically false and I had just spoken with her earlier that day, we were on good terms and she never mentioned it to me. Of course after seeing this I confronted said Domme on Twitter, and when things got too heated, she asked me to take it private.. looking back, I shouldn't have done that, I should've made her produce proof, publicly, of her accusations. We took it private, and she told me that another Domme/her friend had told her I was copying her, I asked her repeatedly what it was that I supposedly copied, she finally said that it was a word, 1 commonly used word. I told her that word had been on my site for years, even before I knew of her, I even did a wayback search to find the said word on her site, but it was nowhere to be found. We had agreed to drop it, move on and that would be it, or so I thought.
I didn't realize that by that time this Domme had apparently been telling all kinds of lies about me, to everyone she could, eventually causing Dommes who I didn't even know of to block me.
I was deemed a copier, people were trying to dox me, I was accused of reporting PP accounts, and people believed her solely based on cliques and popularity, not giving her false accusations a second thought.
Due to her popularity the lies began to snowball, other girls started to pile on and it became a hate-by-proxy sort of thing. I started to receive email after email after email of non-stop harassment calling me every foul name you can imagine; a cunt, a thief, fake/fraud, one Domme even tried to extort me because I "copied" her friend, they would attack people they thought were my friends/supported me, which really felt like a punch in my gut, honestly. They even created a group/site dedicated to "getting me out of the scene," although, the worst branding me a racist and telling me to go hang myself, which was the final sinker for me. It is uncomfortable for me to share this part of myself with strangers, but if it can help others who may go through or went through the same thing, I'll share a little about my personal life.
Everyone has been through something they wish they hadn't, everyone has a story, a part of mine is that several deeply loved and very close relatives have committed suicide by hanging.. so many in fact that every day I wake up with my first thoughts being, is it going to be me today? Every day.
Being bombarded with a bandwagon of hateful messages, especially those inciting suicide, well.. it sucked, on top of that, I was also dealing with the loss of a parent at that time, it all took a serious toll on my emotional and mental health, not something I like admitting, but it threw me into a seriously scary and dark depression that I didn't think I was going to get out of.
I just didn't understand why, what did I do to make this girl spread lies about me, and why would other women, self proclaimed "female supremacists," who preached about "no bullying and women empowering/supporting women" treat another this way?! I kept thinking, why was I not good enough for the "sisterhood?" Was it because I wasn't seen as pretty enough, thin enough, not popular enough, was there something about me that just wasn't worthy of being treated fairly within the wonderful world of women supporting each other? I thought, maybe I did something wrong to these female empowering women that caused them to be so hateful towards me. Needless to say, the never ending attacks started to take away the joy and acceptance that I felt being a part of the online BDSM community and mentally exhausted me to the point where I didn't want to produce clips anymore, take calls, or come online because I just didn't want to deal with all the unwarranted vitriol being dumped on me, which continued for well over a year, so much so that I contacted the actual authorities, finally I just couldn't deal with it any longer, so I ended up deleting that email account, letting my domain expire and walked away from the online scene.
During those years I would sometimes think about how I should've/could've handled that situation differently. At first, I was upset with the lack of strength and courage I gave myself, angry with myself for letting the false accusations of people who didn't know me, and didn't even matter to me push me out of something I truly enjoyed, angry with people who blindly attacked me and believed lies about me. And then, I was hurt, hurt that I didn't believe in my strength, that I didn't have the confidence in my right to exist in the scene. I was hurt that I allowed the actions of others diminish the feeling of solidarity I once felt in the community. As time continued to pass, I finally became grateful to myself for knowing when to let go and take care of me. Grateful that I'm not/wasn't like those who attacked me. Grateful that I didn't/don't need a clique to survive. Grateful that I was strong enough to pull through and now am able to share my experience with others, to give advice on how to handle such situations.
So, if you've found yourself at the end of someone's false accusations and attacks, and have no idea how to handle it, here is some advice.
Ask yourself these questions:
Do these people pay your bills?
Are they important to you?
Is the situation important enough to you to take a stand?
If you've decided that the situation is not important to you, great. Leave it, ignore them, block them and move on. Treat them as you would a non-paying sub.
If you've decided, for whatever reason, that yes, you want to stand your ground, you need to understand that no matter what you say or do, those kind of people will never change, never see your point of view, never apologize, even though they're in the wrong and you did nothing to provoke the situation. You have to understand that ultimately, your actions determine your experience. I'd advise you not to get into long, drawn out Twitter battles. If someone falsely accuses you of something, you publicly call them out with two words: Show proof, that's it. Don't let them weasel you into going private, they've already made it public by going around spreading lies about you, they should have no reason for wanting to take it private by that point... well, unless they're afraid of being outed as a liar.
How to protect yourself from those kind of people:
Trust no one, NOT ONE. They are not your friends, they're not invested in you, your mental health, or well-being.
Keep your eyes open and mouth shut. If you see a Domme proclaiming women empowerment, or female supremacy but then is always putting other women down, spreading gossip and are clique-y, or involved in drama constantly, then you know to stay away from them.
It sounds harsh, but those are the facts.
Do you need a clique to survive in the scene? No. There are plenty of successful women in the scene who stand alone, more so than those involved with cliques.
My final thoughts on this subject:
You never know what another person is going through, you don't know how piling hate onto another person will affect them mentally and emotionally, you don't know if they're grasping onto life by thin threads, or if being attacked in a place where they find solace will completely ruin and take away the joy they once found within said place, so think before you decide to hate pile on another person. -
You have the right to exist in this scene.
This scene belongs to you, as much as anyone else.
No one has the right to violate your sense of joy and happiness.
If you need support, please reach out.
I know this wasn't the conventional advice that is offered in the scene, but I hope it helps those who need it. My DM on Twitter is always open. @BrainwashingBUT